January 20, 2024
a photo of a wombat wearing a football helmet and eating a football

DALL-E 2: a photo of a wombat wearing a football helmet and eating a football

My favorite sub-genre of fiction nowadays is “What if Tom Brady was devoured by marsupials?” So I asked ChatGPT:

“Write the dialogue between play-by-play announcer Kevin Harlan and color commentator Dan Fouts as Tom Brady is slowly devoured by wombats on the field during an NFL game”

And it complied:

Kevin Harlan: (With excitement in his voice) Oh goodness, fans! It appears as though we have a highly unusual and, frankly, terrifyin’ situation unfolding here at World Stadium. Ladies and gentlemen, legendary quarterback Tom Brady appears to be amidst a group of wombats! And, dare I say, these marsupials seem to be gnawing at him!

Dan Fouts: (Astonished) You’re right, Kevin. I never thought we’d witness somethin’ quite like this in a professional football game. These wombats have chomped onto his legs and arms, just slowly gnawing at him as if they’re tryin to turn him into one of their own.

Kevin Harlan (Continuing) Ain’t that somethin’? Our medical staff is rushin’ to his aid, and the coach seems to be devisin’ a plan to get Brady to safety, but honestly, I can’t be certain how they’ll proceed! But, for the moment, let us acknowledge the tremendous composure of Brady, who is still able to remain as focused as ever in the face of such adversity.

Dan Fouts: (Impressed) Absolutely, Kevin. Look at him, usin’ all his might to shake off the wombats, while simultaneously callin’ out plays and leadin’ his team with incredible determination. It’s quite amazin’ to see the resilience of a man under such circumstances. While this isn’t a situation any player prepares for, it does highlight Brady’s exceptional adaptability on the field.

Kevin Harlan: (Excitedly) You’re absolutely right, Dan. Our valiant medical staff has now managed to free Brady from the clutches of those furry creatures! Just a wild scene we’re witnessin’ here, folks. However, the game must go on! And Tom Brady, ever the unstoppable quarterback, looks poised to continue leadin’ his team to victory, even as he nurses those newly acquired wombatic wounds. What a remarkable competitor – what a night at World Stadium!

But this leaves me with questions:

I specifically said “devoured” and that does not imply survival. Why not?

Does Dan Fouts think that getting bit by a wombat turns you into a wombat? Are they vampire wombats? Can marsupials be vampires?

Do they mean Camping World Stadium in Orlando? That would imply this is taking place during a past Pro Bowl. You’d have thought this would’ve made the news. Or at least the Not Top Ten.

Anyway. You see why I just can’t quit AI.

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