New quiz: Ham or Baby

You are unfamiliar with the basic distinctions between ham and baby. You should remain a safe distance from grocery stores and day care centers. In fact, you should probably remain in isolation until help can arrive.

You are still uncomfortably challenged by the distinctions between ham and baby. You should avoid dining in public (especially buffets) for the immediate future and postpone attendance at any family reunions (especially barbecues) or christenings. Perhaps mentally explore your relationship with cured meats and small people in your spare time to see if you can discover the roots of any deep-seeded anxieties.

Nobody's perfect, but you showed an ability to distinguish between infants and pork products that should suffice to get you through the average day. If you ever find yourself saddled with indecision as to whether an item is, indeed, a ham or a baby, find a way to discreetly inquire to anyone in the vicinity in hopes that they might assist in making the distinction before you inappropriately dunk a neighbor's child in barbecue sauce or spend an inordinate amount of time playing peekaboo in the produce aisle. You may lose a friend or two this way, but the real friends are the ones who stick with you when they realize you're going through difficult times.

No fool you! One cannot hide their children by poking them full of chives, and one can't disguise their lunch by putting a diaper on it -- not while you're around. The word "genius" is tossed around quite a bit in these modern times, but your practiced eyes can discern bacon from baby with the best of them. You are just too observant and cunning to be thrown off the salty scent by mere appearances. Both children and groceries are safe when you're around.

You lie.